Saturday, May 19, 2012

Tom from Home Security

<ringing phone>

Me:  Hello?

Phone:  Good morning!  This is Tom from Home Security.  How are you today?

Me:  Hi Tom. I’m fine, thanks for asking.

Tom:  That’s great to hear.  I was calling to see if you’re aware that the number of home burglaries in your area has increased by 7% in the last year.

Me:  Actually, I was aware of that.  I just read about it in our local newspaper.  I also read that our teacher’s union just submitted a vote of no confidence for our superintendent.  Were you aware of that?


Tom:  I wasn’t aware of that.

Me:  Well, you should be, Tom.  I mean, this is pretty serious.

Tom:  Right, I agree.....  Actually, I was calling today to let you know that we’re offering a 20% discount on home security systems for homeowners in your area.

Me:  I thought you were calling to let me know about the increase in burglaries in my area?

Tom:  Right, well....that too.  It’s why we’re offering a discount on our home protection services.  

Me:   Is this the part where you tell me I can buy a home protection system for 52 monthly payments of only $39.99 and then I find out all you really sold me was a sticker that says “this home is protected by....” to put in my window?


Tom:  Oh, definitely not, Mam.  I think you will find that our system is quite reasonably priced and we offer a full home protection security system.

Me:  But do you have a sticker?

Tom:  I’d have to check with my supervisor on that, but if you bought one of our systems, I’m sure we could make a sticker for you.

Me:  I just want the sticker.  How much is that?

Tom:  I’m sorry Mam, but we don’t offer a package that only includes the sticker.

Me:  Well, do you know where I can buy a sticker?  I already checked Walmart and....well, let’s just say that it ended with me meeting the Walmart security team and they didn’t
want to talk about stickers...

Tom:  Oh.  Uhm....I’m sorry to hear that.  I’m afraid I don’t know where you can buy a sticker....

Me:  Tom, are you suggesting that I steal a sticker from a neighbor’s house?  I thought you were in the home protection business?

Tom:  Uhh...I am, Mam and I was definitely not suggesting that.

Tom from Home Security.  -- or at least this is what he looks like in *my* mind.  I had to go with this one.  The other version was an old guy sitting at home in his coffee-stained wife-beater, trimming his nose hair while cold-calling people and frightening them into buying home protection systems.  I know you didn't want a visual of that.  You're welcome.

Tom:  Let me ask you another question.  Do you feel safe in your own home?

Me:  No.

Tom:  And wouldn’t it feel nice to know that you’re protected in your own home?

Me:    Oh, yes.  That would feel wonderful.

Tom:  With our home protection system, you would have peace of mind knowing that you are safe and secure in your own home and no one can get in without your permission.

Me:  Getting in isn’t the problem.  They’re already here.

Tom:  I’m sorry?  Is there already an intruder in your home?

Me:  I guess that depends on how you define “intruder”.

Tom:  Uhhhmm....are there people in your home that you don’t want to be there?

Me:  Oh yes.  Definitely.

Tom: <panicky voice>  Have you alerted the authorities about this?  <more panicky voice>  Do you need me to call someone and report this?

Me:  I’ve already tried. The police won’t do anything.


Tom:   I’m not sure I understand.  There are intruders in your home and the police will not help you?

Me:  No, I didn’t say they were intruders.  I said they were people in my home that I don’t want here.

Tom:  <sigh>  So is this like a domestic issue?  Like an issue with a spouse or something?

Me:  No, definitely not.  I like my husband.  Well, not so much today because he ate a can of Chef Boyardee and put the can in the trash instead of the recycling and I told him I didn’t like him because he doesn’t like our planet.  And he was all “Yeah, but the recycling bin smells bad” and I was all “Well, that’s because you need to RINSE the cans before you put them in the bin.”  

Do  you rinse your cans, Tom?

Tom:  Uhh...yes.  I do.

Me:  Good, because smelly cans are the worst.

Tom:  I agree...  So back to the unwelcome people in your home....Have you called anyone else to help you?

Me:  Yes, I called TAPS, but they put me on a waiting list.

Tom:  TAPS?

Me:  I guess you don’t watch Scfy?

Tom:  Scfy like the tv station????

Me:  Yeah, I was pretty pissed when they changed the name too.  I mean, SciFi was totally fine.  But they had to go and be all cool and add that Y in there to make it look all technical and be like “Oh, look at us!  We have a Y in our name so we must be all hip and everything.”

Tom:  So you called a tv station?

Me:  No, Tom.  That would be silly!  I called the guys from TAPS on the tv station.  You know, the TAPs Ghosthunters?

Tom:  Wait a minute.....are you telling me the intruders in your home are ghosts?

Me:  No, Tom, we’ve been over this before.  Were you not listening?  I said they’re NOT intruders.  I mean really, they’ve been in my house for centuries.  I guess you could technically say that I’m the intruder.  They were here first.

Tom:  Is this a joke?

Me:  Why would I joke about something like this?  So are you going to help me out or what?

Tom:  I’m afraid to say we don’t deal with ghosts.

Me:  Actually, they prefer to be called ‘entities’ or ‘spirits’.  The whole ‘ghost’ thing went out with Casper.

Tom:  Ok.....I’m afraid we don’t deal with ‘entities’ or ‘spirits’.

Me:  Bummer!  Ok.  I guess I’ll have to wait for TAPS to get back to me then.  

Tom:  Right, uhhh.. good luck with that.

Me:  Thanks.  So are you still going to send me a sticker?



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  2. I think maneesh is really Tom in disguise. He's now stalking me.