Thursday, January 12, 2012

House Rules

1.  If you need something from the store, write it on the whiteboard on the fridge.
  • If you tell me while I'm sleeping, I won't hear you.  
  • If you tell me while I'm working, I won't remember it.  
  • If you tell me while I'm tweeting, I will tell the world that you're 16 years old and you still eat dinosaur egg oatmeal.
If you don't write it on the whiteboard, it will not be purchased.

2.  Don't complain that I never buy "the good stuff" that you write on the whiteboard (cake, pies, cookies, sugary cereals). I DO buy them.  I just hide them from you and eat them all myself.  p.s. Keep the good ideas coming!

3.  Do not, under any circumstances, speak to me after you've been eating peanut butter.  I will smell it and I WILL vomit.  Probably on you.

4.  Do not leave peanut butter-covered knives in the sink.  If you are at home, I will force you to stop what you're doing and wash the knife.  If you are sleeping, I will wake you and force you to wash the knife.  If you are at school, I will throw the knife away and buy new ones with your allowance money.

5.  If you wait until 10pm to tell me you need supplies for a school project that is due tomorrow, I'm sorry, but my hands are tied.  All the stores around here have started closing at 3pm on weekdays and 1pm on weekends.  However, if I'm hungry for ice cream, I can probably bribe the store manager to open the store for me and I'll pick up your supplies while I'm there.

6.  If you get something out of one of the upper cabinets in the kitchen, CLOSE IT when you are finished.  I have no clue why you are all so tall.  My theory is the bovine growth hormones in milk. Your father's theory is the mailman, but that's a conversation for another day.   Anyway, I'm short. The bottom corner of that cabinet door is exactly the same height as my head.  I WILL hit my head on it.  Repeatedly.

7.  If you miss the bus because you refused to get out of bed on time, you are welcome to choose one of the following options:
  • Walk to school via the short route (You do know it's illegal for pedestrians to walk along the interstate, correct?)
  • Walk to school via the long route (Did you ever see those tall metal things at the top of that hill over there?  That hill was a ski slope in 1935, and for good reason.)
  • Call a taxi and pay with your allowance money (Avoid calling McClure taxi.  I just read an article about one of their drivers eating a small child.  Please use one of the other services.)
  • Pay me $12 for a ride.  (I accept cash, Paypal, and 2 weeks worth of laundry.  And you know I'm not joking about this.)
8.  Bedtime is at 10 pm.  Please stop encouraging your father to read the description of every movie on Comast, Hulu, Zune, and Netflix (and then watch trailers) before making a decision on what to watch for the evening.  You know he's going to extend your bedtime until the movie is over.  If this continues, I will choose the movie every night and you will be seeing a lot of Patty Duke and Meredith Baxter Birney.

9.  Don't get mad at me if I'm on my computer or iPad while you're talking to me.  You're most likely talking about some new idea for creating a server in the cloud with a doozy-hoozit and a thing-a-ma-jinky.  I'm listening to you.  But I'm also googling the words you're saying so we can have some form of intelligent conversation.  p.s.  Please speak s-l-o-w-l-y.

10.  If you smell bad, take a shower.  Santa thought it would be cool to put Axe in your stocking.  He didn't know you were going to spray enough to kill a baby rhinoceros.  Besides, if you wear that much, girls will hate you.