Thursday, May 23, 2013

Why I'm a Sucky Friend and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Crystal

This is an open letter to Crystal at House of Sloth.   

Dear Crystal, 

I must confess. When you asked your interweb friends to send you large envelopes of glitter for your birthday, my first thought was, “Oh my gosh. Did she really just ask complete strangers to send her unknown powdery substances through the U.S. mail? Is she insane?”

You’ll be happy to know that I didn’t answer that question because well, glitter is sparkly, and as soon as I thought about it, my brain lost all train of thought. Instead, I thought, “Oh hell, yeah! I’m in! This is the woman who listens to my daily (read: hourly) rants and keeps me somewhat sane. I MUST SEND HER TRUCKLOADS OF GLITTER!”

SUNDAY 5:30 am
(four days before your birthday) 
While driving my son to work, I realized I forgot to buy you glitter. I knew I had to get it in the mail quickly, so what better time to go glitter shopping that 5:30 am on a Sunday?

SUNDAY 5:40 am 
Turnpike rest stops do not sell glitter. They do sell coffee. That's a good thing.

SUNDAY, 5:55 am
Although Seven Eleven Stores are open 24 hours, their clerks are not awake 24 hours.  They sleep behind the counter while pretending to read newspapers. They also get angry when you ask which aisle the glitter is in and they tell you “this is a convenience store”. Apparently glitter is not convenient.

Luckily, they do sell coffee.

SUNDAY, 6:05 am

Yeah, I was the only one there.
I've actually never been to Lowes Home Improvement Stores before, but well, it was open at an ungodly hour and I figured that glitter is pretty and people who are trying to improve their homes want pretty things.

I was wrong. Apparently people who want to improve their homes want gigantic pieces of wood, lawn tractors, BBQ grills, light bulbs, and white shower stalls.

I was getting tired and desperate, so I asked a nice elderly gentleman.

Me: "Where do you keep the glitter?"

Lowes Guy: "Glitter?"

Me: "Yes, sparkly glitter. But not vampire sparkly, just regular sparkly, please."

Lowes Guy: "I don't know that we have just glitter.....We do have some paint with glitter in it."

Me: "SCORE!"

Lowes Guy: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Wait, how am I going to put the glitter paint in an envelope? If I pour it in, the paint will dry in the envelope and she won't be able to open it and it will ruin the entire birthday surprise!"

I left before he called security. The good news is that I bought this really awesome feather duster thing with a telescoping handle to reach 20ft. ceilings. I think the cashier saw right through me and knew I was really just buying it as a kick-ass cat toy.

Coffee.  From a vending machine. Desperate.

SUNDAY, 6:36 am
I found a beauty supply store that was open.

Short story: No glitter.

Long story: They had glitter make-up, bright pink and blue hair extensions with sparkly glitter, and glitter nail polish. I almost bought you glitter nail polish, but then I remembered that "you don't have a real job", so I figured you wouldn't have anywhere to wear it.

Which color would match your pajama pants?

The floor of the beauty supply store was made from these really fun sparkly, glittery floor tiles. I seriously thought about prying one up with a knife and mailing it to you, but I figured you already had a floor.

P.s. Suck that, Lowes. Glittery floor tiles = pretty home improvement. 

P.p.s.  I think the woman behind the beauty supply store counter saw my coffee mustache and lied when she told me they don't sell coffee.

SUNDAY, 6:55 am 
Dunkin. Coffee.
No glitter.

SUNDAY, 7:05 am 
I know you're not familiar with Ocean State Job Lot (OSJL). I think they don't have those stores in your state because you don't have an ocean.

See? That looks stupid.

OSJL is like a Big Lots. Close out merchandise, stuff nobody wanted, returned items, and seconds. Yes, I was desperate enough to try to buy you defective glitter. 

I tried to check every aisle, but I got sidetracked a bit, playing that game where you count to see which person in the store has the most teeth.

That's when I saw it - A BIRTHDAY CARD WITH GLITTER. It was perfect. It met three essential requirements:
  1. Glitter.
  2. It said "Happy Birthday".
  3. All of the words on the card were spelled correctly. 
I bought the card and then had a celebratory coffee. WITH French Vanilla cream.

MONDAY, 8:50 am 
(three days before your birthday)
Reminder to self: buy stamps and get Crystal's card in the mail.

MONDAY, 3:50 pm
Walgreens sells stamps but you have to buy a whole book.  I knew I'd be using those stamps well into 2035 and who knows if the post office will still be around by then?

TUESDAY, 8:22 am
(two days before your birthday)
Reminder to self: buy ONE stamp and get Crystal's card in the mail.

TUESDAY, 10:36 pm
Reminder to self:  go to the post office first thing in the morning.

WEDNESDAY, 8:07 am
(one day before your birthday)

Why don't these assholes deliver stamps?

WEDNESDAY, 11:33 pm
I'm a sucky friend.

(your birthday)

Here's your damn card.

Close-up of the glitter. 

Seriously, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  Thank you for being a non-sucky friend :)